How Do People Date Without Letting Their Anxiety Take Control?
In the depths of my email inbox, I found an old login code for “Dating and Relationships for People with Childhood PTSD,” a course I bought from Crappy Childhood Fairy back in June 2022.
It’s been gathering virtual dust, but it couldn’t be more useful today.
I’ve spent forty years becoming the best version of myself to feel balanced and grounded in a relationship.
Now, I can finally say I’m proud of who I’ve become.
Yet here I am, starting a new relationship in a new country—Thailand—and my anxiety is rearing its head.
I didn’t feel this in Japan because I felt at home there.
But in Thailand, everything is foreign.
I don’t speak the language; I’m stressed about finding a long-term place to live, and I’m moving in with a man I met just over a month ago.
So why this anxiety?
Before I answer, I need to share a strange coincidence—or maybe an important synchronicity— that happened yesterday.
At 10:15 PM, I got a message from my mom on WhatsApp.
It was a simple photo of a letter postmarked from Japan. I looked at the date; it had been sent exactly 11 years ago.
I asked my mom to open the letter, and there it was—a postcard from my Japanese ex, Dai.
The same Dai I wrote about in my story below.
All the memories came flooding back.
Exactly 11 years ago, when Dai and I were still in love, we’d mailed each other “time capsule” letters meant to arrive in the future.
In his letter, there were sweet words and future projects, shared laughter, and all the small details of two people in love.
But life had other plans.
Six months into our romance—though it was a bond that had gradually turned sexless—one morning, just before work, Dai told me on the subway that his feelings had changed.
He said he didn’t love me anymore.
He said it so casually, leaving me with nothing to do but shed silent tears.
I couldn’t even process it because work was waiting, and I had to get off the train.
From that day, our relationship deteriorated… until one day (six months later, in fact), he stopped replying to my messages and disappeared from my life.
The pain was deep.
So, yesterday, when my mom sent me that picture of his love-filled postcard at 10:15 PM, just before I went to bed, I couldn’t bring myself to make love to the man I’m with now.
My body froze, guarding itself.
And today, I returned to the Crappy Childhood Fairy course.
My anxiety is the fear of losing someone dear, of watching their feelings change.
And yet, I’ve written so much about this topic myself.
It’s the fear that they don’t love me as deeply as I love them, and that, in time, they’ll prefer life without me.
Still, I’m convinced that my presence brings something positive to the life of any man I love.
I want happiness for the one I love.
I love healthily.
I also believe in giving space and freedom.
I have a generous heart, though it often gets taken for granted.
I’m finally getting what I’ve longed for.
To know myself more deeply within an intimate relationship with a man,
To grow and strengthen as a partner—with the focus on me this time.
I want to overcome my anxieties and choose myself, above all else.
Being in a relationship now is an opportunity to love myself more, to root myself in self-love, and to walk hand in hand… with God.
It’s about choosing God and myself before choosing him, this man who now shares my life.
I know this anxiety will subside once I settle into an apartment where I feel truly at home. A place where I can return to my spiritual practice, creating quiet moments to meditate and connect with the Divine.
God is on my side, and I know He’s listening to my prayers.
So today, I need to show Him that I can make it through my own fears.
And I will make it.
Thank you, and see you soon.